Endless Suffering

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Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not dying inside.

Things are going up from here!

Please reconsider what you’re about to do. Dying is never the answer, ever. Suicide does not only hurt everyone around you, if you fail to suceed- the consequences are horrific.

Two weeks ago Monday, I overdosed in an attempt to kill myself. It didn’t work, I was taken to hospital and was very very ill. I was being sick every 20-30 minutes for over 8 and a half hours. I got dehydrated so I was put on a drip for 24 hours. I was on the boderline of having to take medication to counteract the paracetemol, luckily I didn’t have to. I had 5 bloodtests over the space of 24 hours, including one in my main artery ( I was so out of it I couldn’t even feel it go in). I felt sick everytime I ate for a week and suffered with severe headaches.

On top of that, I spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital and she felt I wasn’t safe enough to be in a home environment. I was transferred to a more secure, mental health hospital for young people to be assessed/ get back to health. I’ve been here for nearly two weeks now, and I have no idea when I’m going to come home. 

Mental hospitals aren’t the nicest of places, so please please please think before you act. Keep yourself safe and GET HELP!

Dear Mum…

I guess this is it. I’m so sorry, I can’t handle it anymore. This constant battle between light and darkness is over, the darkness has won… I can’t fight it any longer. I’m sorry for being such a constant misery;but what you don’t understand is, when you can tell I’m feeling low it’s not that I’ve only just started to feel low again, I’ll keep it in until the voices in my head are screaming and dominating everything I do- they make it hard to breathe. I’ve been lying, the feeling better and sorting myself out is all lies, I’ve not changed… in fact I feel as if I’ve got worse.

I hate myself, I truly do. It pains me to look at my-ugly-self, to see the fatness & emptiness burning into me; driving me crazy. My self-hatred has got so strong, I can’t do anything right, I’m selfish, evil, ungrateful and I’m a disgrace to our family, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t come to you for help, I can’t. I physically can’t make myself tell you how I feel… I don’t tell you properly in front of my therapist…I hardly tell you anything. I can’t sit there and tell you I feel like shit, or I’m suicidal because, well, you’re my mum- and you shouldn’t have to hear that. I’m sorry you’ve been stuck with this shitty, fat, fuck up of a daughter rather than the one you actually wanted. I’m so sorry for not being good enough, I’ll never be good enough.